The Process

Grief and loss. The sudden shifting of reality, the uncertain footing in unfamiliar territory. And no matter how many times one has been on the journey the scenery is never the same, the signage still indecipherable.

Sudden loss knocks the breath out of you. Repeatedly. Relentlessly. Daily routines, the slender tethers connecting us to a world we can manage, are suddenly irrelevant. Simple tasks become incomprehensible. You get a cup out of the cupboard and look at the cup in your hand in confusion. The toothpaste tube falls off the bathroom counter, and you have to tell yourself to pick it up.

At times you feel like you have this grief thing under control. Five minutes later you are crying at the sun breaking through the clouds. 

Long gone are the days when one could enter into a period of mourning, shielded from having to pretend to be a sane person in a world gone mad, protected from having anyone--a friend, neighbor, or local shopclerk--witness a sudden onslaught of tears. Grief was allowed to take its own course, out of the spotlight and in the quiet corners of comfort in one's own home. Instead, now we are encouraged to "get back into our normal routine," when it seems that nothing will ever be normal again and routines make no sense.

Support from family and friends is deeply comforting, but for me, grief is a solitary experience. I face it each time as I always have, and each time is uniquely painful. I have learned to make allowances for myself and take each wave of sorrow as it comes. I know that grief will soon become two steps forward and one step back, and one day, it will become two steps forward. Then it will become two steps forward, and two more steps forward. And then there will be enough steps that I am back in a world with landmarks I recognize. 

A Goodbye

Today my sister died. Over the past year and a half since I first posted about her she was in and out of the hospital several times, often on the brink of death once again. In between times she would get sober, vow to stay sober, until the disease of alcoholism got her once again within its grasp. Her struggles with all of her demons are now over, and I hope that eternity holds some comfort and peace for her.

When my brother told his wife that Julie had died, she said, "For you, she died a long time ago." It's true. Estranged from her for decades, my brother and I could never really come to terms with her or the disease which finally killed her. Years ago she broke the bonds of family, and never made the effort to restore them, aside from an occasional phone call, usually while drunk. Just a few weeks ago she called and left a voicemail that she wanted my brother's phone number so she could call him on his birthday. Her speech was slurred and it was difficult to understand her. I didn't call her back. I'm not even sure I regret not calling her back.

I haven't felt bitter toward her for many, many years. Just sad. Sad that the little girl for whom I once realized I would give my life never found her place in the world. She married once, and had several children, then divorced and had several more children. I only met her first child when he was a baby, though my father kept in touch with most of them over the years. I don't know what they think of their mother, or how they are feeling now that she's gone.

A few weeks ago I asked my father for an address where I could send Julie a letter. I used to call her "Jules." I thought I would just send her a note to let her know I was thinking of her. It felt like time to do that. My father sent me the hospital's address just the other day. I hadn't written the letter yet.

My baby sister is gone. A part of me--a distant, quiet part of me--feels the pain of loss, feels the pang of guilt, grasps the finality of death and failure. 

If I shed a tear, will it be for everything she never could be, or for myself, and all I wasn't for her? I wrap myself in thoughtfulness, and sit in still and silent grief. 

Family

If you know me, you know that I describe my family not as "blended," but as super-glued and duct-taped. My bio-daughter (shorter than biological, etc) once tested for her first-degree karate black belt. One of the guest judges, who did not know her as all of the students did, asked her how many brothers and sisters she had. "Well..." she replied, and everyone but the clueless judge laughed.

With two marriages which came as package deals, and then having two biological children, me and my family are truly joined together as a patchwork. I have a biological sibling (my brother), an adopted sister, stepchildren, biological children, grandchildren who have no genetic link to me, and spouses of my children who are like my own; my brother's wife is like a sister to me. We are a crazy-quilt of personalities and temperaments.

A long online conversation with a family member which came to a point of misunderstanding, as many online conversations do, took us both to the bottom line. Circumstances beyond our control and a lack of understanding on my part had led us both to make assumptions that were way off-base. There are issues and challenges and guilt and frustration, but we both stopped...and recognized something. We dearly miss each other. Too much time and too many miles have kept us apart, and we both felt an overwhelming need to connect.

It was that moment that reminded me of just what "family" means to me. Families have disagreements and misunderstandings, hurt feelings and anger, disappointments, failed expectations, that hard feeling your heart takes on when you're trying not to let someone hurt you--it all sucks. It really does. But when we can find that better self, the one beneath all of the other stuff that keeps us emotionally distant by holding onto hurts and grievances, we realize that somehow all that "other stuff" is just so much noise. The sound and the fury, signifying nothing.

My family member and I could have stayed angry with each other. We could have congratulated ourselves on how well we made our point. We could have seen only our conflict, and not our connection.

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

My favorite quote from the original translation of The Little Prince by Saint-Exupery. It reminds me to stop trying to be right, to not make a judgment based only on what I can see and hear. To look beneath all that other stuff to the heart--my heart, the other person's heart.

This is who we are. Family. Perhaps duct-taped and super-glued, but also joined by blood and heart and love. Mostly love.

I am blessed by my large and crazy-quilt of a family. I just need to be reminded of that once in awhile.

The Game

I sent some flowers to my sister at the hospital, where she continues to recover against all odds. I have not spoken to her; I let the flowers do what speaking I am able to do right now. In the card enclosed with the flowers I told her to take care of herself. I know she won't. I know that rehab won't work for her--it never has. But I wanted to say it, to let her know it was important to me that she take care of herself. That beneath years of estrangement and distance there is  love for the child she once was.

We will come to this point again. I will once again do that dreadful dance of anger and despair, laced with hope and regret. I know that one day she will truly die from alcoholism.

I once realized that I would willingly lose my own life to save hers. Now, though, no matter how much I could try, my trying--my own life--would not change a thing. The disease has chosen her path, leading us all into a cruel game of waiting for the inevitable. Hope and despair take their corners.

I enter once more into the game, with a heart that mocks itself.

Hope

My sister lives today. She has lived for the past several days, against all odds. It seems her liver is regenerating now that the alcohol has metabolized and is out of her system. She is still in a coma.

I don't know how to feel. Will this mean she might continue to live and recover from the coma? Will she live...only to drink again? I fear this may be the outcome. In some period of time we will all be back in this same place once again.

Or could this be that which happens often with people on the verge of death--a sudden short recovery, the appearance of good health returning, and then suddenly it is all over.

While there is life, there is hope. I'm just not sure what to hope for.

My Sister

My sister is dying. By the time I finish writing this she may be gone.

My sister came into our family late. She was a tiny baby, Native American, and beautiful. I was 14 when we adopted her. Like the average 14 year old I had trouble understanding why it wasn't all about me. There is a family picture of us at the courthouse with my sister, barely walking, my mother beaming, my father looking pleased, my brother looking introspective, and me, looking annoyed. I spent many years being annoyed.

Within a few short years I came to adore her. I remember a time when she was in the car with my friends and me as we were driving over a huge bridge. I had a revelation in the few minutes it took to reach the other side. If something happened on the bridge and we ended up in the water I knew without a doubt that I would risk my life to save my little sister. It was the first time I began to understand the meaning and depth of sacrificial love.

I loved taking her places. We went to parks and movies and spent a lot of time together. With the 14 year difference in our ages often when we went out people thought she was my daughter. As a full Native American she was very dark, with beautiful black hair and black eyes. "Is she Chinese?" some people asked. "Is she Black?" This was just a few years after the Civil Rights movement; even in the large international city of Miami, Florida, racists abounded. She and I had a game we played when people stared at her and then at me, and then at her again. I taught her to look right back at people who were staring at her. I told her to be proud of who she was; those people should be ashamed for being rude. I told her that if she stared back at them it would make them realize how rude they were being. Afterward we would laugh about it. I would try to downplay the actual seriousness of racism; if we pretended it was merely rudeness I hoped she would never feel ashamed of her race.

We remained close even after I moved 300 miles away. I remember buying a kit to make a fabric doll for her. Of course, it was Caucasian pink, so I dyed the fabric in some strong tea to reach a more Native American hue. I hand-sewed the doll and dress (no sewing machine) and gave it to her on my next trip home.

An unusual incident of lying about some money we discovered she had lifted from our mother's purse should have tipped us off to what came later, but of course, it never does. You never want to look at such things as part of a bigger picture, and so we didn't. But upon reaching puberty my sister changed from being a sweet and thoughtful girl into a conniving, lying, drug-taking, alcohol-drinking teenager. It all became very ugly for many years, and it broke our mother's heart. A few years later our mother discovered she had cancer, and for quite a long time I blamed the stress from all the sorrow and worry she suffered from my sister's problems as having caused the cancer and her untimely death.

My sister and I were never close again. Sometimes she would call me out of the blue, telling tales and saying things she thought I wanted to hear. I really didn't want to talk to her or listen to her. Sometimes I did. Sometimes I saw it was her calling and didn't answer. If she left a number to call her back, by the time I did the number was disconnected.

One time she was very ill. Her drinking had begun to destroy her liver. She was given 6 months to live. I sent her flowers from her big sister. It was time to put aside everything. She sent me a picture frame she made with purple lace. The next time I tried to call her, the phone was disconnected.

That was four years ago. Today our father called to tell me that after having been sober for several years my sister had begun drinking again. Her liver has failed, she is in a coma, and is being kept alive by blood transfusions. He is responsible for her end-of-life decisions. When we talked today he said he hoped she would just go. I don't think he wants to be the one to say it's time.

My sister is dying. You might say she died long ago. But memories...memories never die.

I love you, Julie.