If you know me, you know that I describe my family not as "blended," but as super-glued and duct-taped. My bio-daughter (shorter than biological, etc) once tested for her first-degree karate black belt. One of the guest judges, who did not know her as all of the students did, asked her how many brothers and sisters she had. "Well..." she replied, and everyone but the clueless judge laughed.
With two marriages which came as package deals, and then having two biological children, me and my family are truly joined together as a patchwork. I have a biological sibling (my brother), an adopted sister, stepchildren, biological children, grandchildren who have no genetic link to me, and spouses of my children who are like my own; my brother's wife is like a sister to me. We are a crazy-quilt of personalities and temperaments.
A long online conversation with a family member which came to a point of misunderstanding, as many online conversations do, took us both to the bottom line. Circumstances beyond our control and a lack of understanding on my part had led us both to make assumptions that were way off-base. There are issues and challenges and guilt and frustration, but we both stopped...and recognized something. We dearly miss each other. Too much time and too many miles have kept us apart, and we both felt an overwhelming need to connect.
It was that moment that reminded me of just what "family" means to me. Families have disagreements and misunderstandings, hurt feelings and anger, disappointments, failed expectations, that hard feeling your heart takes on when you're trying not to let someone hurt you--it all sucks. It really does. But when we can find that better self, the one beneath all of the other stuff that keeps us emotionally distant by holding onto hurts and grievances, we realize that somehow all that "other stuff" is just so much noise. The sound and the fury, signifying nothing.
My family member and I could have stayed angry with each other. We could have congratulated ourselves on how well we made our point. We could have seen only our conflict, and not our connection.
"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
My favorite quote from the original translation of The Little Prince by Saint-Exupery. It reminds me to stop trying to be right, to not make a judgment based only on what I can see and hear. To look beneath all that other stuff to the heart--my heart, the other person's heart.
This is who we are. Family. Perhaps duct-taped and super-glued, but also joined by blood and heart and love. Mostly love.
I am blessed by my large and crazy-quilt of a family. I just need to be reminded of that once in awhile.
